The sky today was so dreary. Juxtaposed to the clear blue sky we remember that other 11th of September, it seems fitting. As I made my way through the hustle and bustle of today, the sky kept reminding me, turning my attention for fleeting moments to the gnawing ache in my soul. This is the first year that it truly seems like history. Like a time period I am completely separated from. Its the first year I was surrounded by students who were either not yet born, or very young toddlers when the world changed. Standing in that moment, 13 years ago, I couldn't comprehend a day would come when the world would not revolve around the September 11th.
But I always forget how quickly it comes back to me. The sounds and sights still stop me dead in my tracks and still fill me with sadness. The stories still compel me. I see the footage and my mind turns my brain into a virtual time machine. I can remember the chirping birds as I got out of my car and walked into work at American Honda Finance in Irving. I remember Gary, someone whose name and face I would definitely not remember otherwise, telling me the news. I remember wondering why people keep attacking that building. As the news unfolds, I remember everyone completely distracted and unable to work. Without smart phones and internet access at work, we relied on emails from family and friends "on the outside". I couldn't understand where the buildings went. Another coworker Melissa, who in an office that required strict professional attire, would often wear denim overall dresses with Winnie the pooh on them, told me there were over 200 unaccounted for planes (credible information she heard from her husband) and they are likely heading to targets around the country. Another coworker mentioned a funny sounding name Osama Bin Ladin. I had not heard that name before. I'm told he's on the most wanted list by the FBI, but I have no idea why. Another coworker who liked to reel me into political debates about how horrible the president was, turns to me and says "maybe it is a good thing that we have Bush after all" (A comment he would recant later). I remember the boss coming out and talking about what was going on, we huddle around cubicle walls (picture office space, pretty much that exact thing). He's from Boston, he has friends in the towers. He breaks down. I remember driving home that day. At a stoplight I looked around and the cars around me seemed to be driven by zombies, the utter shock and disbelief on the faces of people who had couldn't figure out what was going on. Every church I pass has a makeshift sign "Vigil tonight" "come pray with us tonight" "pray for america", etc. The methodist church around the corner from me had a sign "prayer meeting at 8pm, all welcome" written on a poster-board. I can still feel the hand of the person I stood next to in that church I had never been to before and never went to after. I can still remember where in my closet i found my flag that i put in my back window of my car (before the window flag phenomenon was a thing). And the tears, i remember the tears. The stories, the grief, the inspiring heroism, the magnitude of the devastation. At that time I had never been to New York, and my love affair with the best city int he world, was still years away. But somehow i still felt like New York was "mine." I remember Guiliani's presser. A reporter wanted numbers, he could only say it would be unbearably high. I remember the president's speech. The most serious I had seen in my life. Never before had we felt so vulnerable. Soon enough the anger would come, but at that moment, just shock and heartbreak.
The years keep changing the world around us, with each year, that day drifts further and further into history. My perspective on it has also evolved. But no matter how time changes us, me, our understanding, I can draw a straight line right back to where I was no that day. I hope that never changes.
~ kg
